Well this surely explains why pacifists and militarists do not see eye to eye!

Sounds like a riff on a 100 year old idea: the looking-glass self

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Horton_Cooley#The_.22Looking_Glass_Self.22

This helps to explain why some partnerships endure for many years and others tend to disintegrate in a short time. The fact that both partners must work to sculpt and polish the other explains why some people think everything is wonderful in their relationship and the other thinks it is terrible.

[...] the original post here:  Futurity.org – Loving partners sculpt like Michelangelo By admin | category: GOLDSMITHS, University of London | tags: 50th, catalunya, current, [...]

I came from this page: http://holykaw.alltop.com/how-to-improve-your-relationships-with-the-mi

What struck me is the phrase in above post: “relationships in which the partners help each other achieve personal goals are healthier”. It is quite bizarre because it seems that the main outcome of this research is in confirming to me that in the majority of relationships people only care about themselves. Any wonder then that marriage as an institute is surviving a crisis, and divorce rate is still high! I mean, what relationship is for then? If a man wants to merely sleep with a woman, he can surely call for a girl? And if a woman can earn money for herself, she can get by without a man, too (and there are call-boys, by the way). A relationship takes a lot of hard work; it’s living and breathing together with the person you chose to be with, helping them be better, helping them achieve their both short- and long-term goals. Giving them support and freedom they need; encouraging them rather than stomping on their efforts to change with time. Relationships, let alone families, are not just about common household and kids. It is a life-long most intimate friendship and solid partnership.

Fair enough, it doesn’t always work well first time round, and I’ve been through that, but this is life. It’s important to not become cynical too soon. I wrote about a similar issue last year on my blog: http://www.loscuadernosdejulia.com/2008/06/unlikely-in-love-why-some-couples.html/

Quite simply, this changes everything….

I am not going to debate if the post holds the truth or not. I can speak from my own experience. By helping each other become our best. My husband and I have been able to achieve amazing things. Kind of like the “Help me… help you. Help me, help you” scene from Jerry Maguire…let me end by saying the research seems to be on the right track.

[...] – Loving partners sculpt like Michelangelo By mcxperi via [...]

This research seems to validate my long held attempt at at trying to create a meaningful understanding of what LOVE should optimally be for myself. So far, my musings have led to, “a not-disinterested allowing to be.” Allowing to be does not signify a turning away from. It rather seeks to explain how I, sharing in YOUR life, can create the ground necessary (lay the path) for YOU to become all that you want to be (your ideal self.) This understanding of love recognizes that the role of the “I” in any relationship is to contribute not just by the “laying of a path” for the other but also by being conscious of how his/her actions can inhibit the development of the other. In this way, using this definition, we understand how the idea of love extends beyond the realm of interpersonal relationships to, for example, our relationship to the environment that we all inhabit. The environment does all that it can to “allow us to be.” I am not sure that we can say the same in reverse!

I actually prefer the “help me…help you” idea whether in a marriage or in a relationship with another.
HSA

[...] partners are happier,” Eli Finkel, associate professor of psychology at Northwestern University said in a statement. “And over the long term, I more or less come to reflect what my partner sees and elicits from [...]

Finally they’ve done studies that shows this and gave it a name! I’ve always observed this about people. In fact, here’s a quote beased onobservation as well: “Thinking too well of people often allows them to be better than they otherwise would.” Nelson Mandela.

What you focus on in the other person you tend to attract or elicit from them. We can be a very positive and supportive influence on those around us when we think about them as they want to be. Wouldn’t you want someone to see you as your best self? The person you yourself strive to be? Wouldn’t some support in that be helpful?

This phenomenon actually happens whether we consciously engage with it or not. And the simplest way to illustrate this is by remembering that we’ve all seen children (particularly little children, who we think are un-knowledgeable)) and animals act differently towards different people. It’s not just the mood they happen to be in. If you’ve had negative experiences with let’s say dogs, and you’re always fearful of them or angry at what they did, the next time you’re in the presence of a dog, the dog can sense how you fel about it.
Most people think there’s no explanation but there is. If the other person expects you to fail at something, oh you’ll feel it. You might even start doubting yourself. Or if they want to influence you in a domineering way, like they expect you to do it THEIR way, don’t you feel it and resent them and maybe even feel that you don’t want want to do it anymore because it doesn’t feel like a choice, it feels like a demand placed upon you. It can be FELT.

It’s a vibration that the person gives off and we pick it up and react to it almost unconsciously. Imagine that power being put to good use! So that when your partner, the person closest to you gives of the vibe of seeing you as your ideal self, don’t you feel like acting in accordance to it? Doesn’t that make it easier to fall into that role? Practice it. It’s such a blessing! ?