Society & Culture - Posted by Ted Boscia-Cornell on Monday, June 28, 2010 14:07 - 13 Comments 
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(No Ratings Yet) Loading ...It’s depressing when moms pick favorites
"It doesn't matter whether you are the chosen child or not, the perception of unequal treatment has damaging effects for all siblings," says Cornell University gerontologist Karl Pilleme. (Credit: iStockphoto)
CORNELL (US)—Whether the golden child or black sheep, siblings who sense that their mother consistently favors or rejects one child over others are more likely to show depressive symptoms as middle-aged adults, new research shows.
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The text of this article by Futurity is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivatives License.
Earlier studies have shown that parental favoritism among siblings negatively affects mental health and often triggers behavioral problems in children, teens, and young adults, but the survey of 275 Boston-area families is the first to show that such harmful effects persist long into adulthood.
“Perceived favoritism from one’s mother still matters to a child’s psychological well-being, even if they have been living for years outside the parental home and have started families of their own,” says Cornell University gerontologist Karl Pillemer, who codirected the study reported in the Journal of Marriage and Family.
“It doesn’t matter whether you are the chosen child or not, the perception of unequal treatment has damaging effects for all siblings,” he adds. “The less favored kids may have ill will toward their mother or preferred sibling, and being the favored child brings resentment from one’s siblings and the added weight of greater parental expectations.”
Favoritism may be difficult for mothers to avoid, however, as the researchers found that 70 percent of moms surveyed named a child to whom they felt closest and only 15 percent of children saw equal treatment by their mothers. Similarly, 92 percent of children and 73 percent of mothers specified a child with whom the mother battled most frequently.
The study, which controlled for family size, race and other factors, drew on interviews with 275 mothers in their 60s and 70s with at least two living adult children and also surveys of 671 offspring of the women.
In addition to questions about emotional closeness or excessive conflict with a particular child, mothers and children were asked about the mother’s expectations for who will care for her when she becomes ill or disabled. When mothers designated a child as her caregiver, all children suffered greater depressive symptoms, though the children’s perceptions of their mother’s preference did not relate to their mental health.
The findings could lead to new therapies for practitioners who work with later-life families, Pillemer says. “We have a powerful norm in our society that parents should treat kids equally, so favoritism can be something of a taboo topic. If counselors can help older parents and adult children bring some of these issues into the open, it may help prevent family conflict from arising.”
Additional researchers from Cornell and Purdue collaborated on the work.
More news from Cornell: www.news.cornell.edu/
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13 Comments
Todd
And the depression gets even worse when the favoritism lasts on into adulthood…..
Olivia
You know, I’ve never really considered whether or not my mother choses favorites among us kids… I tend to get the honest feeling that she dislikes all of us equally. Who knew that could be a plus?
KarenSC
my parents were and still are extremely careful to not show favoritism. They do this with the grandkids too, even when some were too little to notice. I’m trying to do the same, but I worry that spending lots of time cuddling my 3-year old might make the 6-year old jealous, even though he doesn’t want to do that and the little one needs more attention. I try to make time to do activities with the older one whenever possible – like sending 3-yr old to daycare when 6-year old had a day off school and just spending time with 6 year old. I definately butt heads more with the 6-year old…it’s more a personality thing than anything else…here’s hoping it doesn’t have major repercussions.
In my wife’s family her parents insisted they had no favorites. The kids all agree one of them was favored over the rest. This tells me that some parents never realize they are playing favorites.
Jill
As a parent, I don’t think that I have favorites. I do interact differently with each, but I see that as a function of their personality – not of not enjoying who they are. Here’s one interesting thing – both kids (now adults) have told me that they thought that I favored the other one, each for a different reason. A parent just can’t win sometimes….
I’ve found in my family (my brother is the only boy) – when it happens – we point it out and tease and laugh about it. It diffuses the situation and the laughter somehow makes it better and brings us closer instead of apart. It doesn’t allow frustration to fester, and my parents change their behaviour once they become aware of it.
Honestly, I think that most parents do the best that they can do with their children. Yes they have flaws, sometimes tragic ones; but I don’t think that most parents have kids just to mess them up. I think they try – and some fail. But the choices of how to deal with what happens to us as children, also reside with us (the children) – that sentence didn’t come out well, but I hope you know what I mean.
I find that people will give their friends the benefit of the doubt when it comes to motivations far more often than they do their families. Love them for the aspects of their personalities that are good – forgive them for their flaws. Hopefully they will do the same for you.
As a parent it’s hard not to have favourites, you always strive to treat all your kids equally.
I agree, fathers as well. I think that a huge majority of parents definitely do have their favourites but try not to show it. Well, at least they try. Some parents make it outright clear, which is terrible.
Happy Saboteur
Using empathy, generosity and love, I won a battle against my mother – her influence versus mine – and the results resonate in my sister and my lives. When I was a child, my mother tried to turn my younger sister and me against each other. (Her favorite was another she thought we were not close enough to.) She would deprive my younger sister in nasty little ways (smaller presents than mine, cheaper clothes etc,) and tell me that my sister was evil. So I gave my sister what I could and helped her out in a lot of ways. Nowadays both my sister and I tend to consult friends and read books to find out what is normal and logical – consulting my mom just never comes up. I give credit to the kind behavior of other adults around me to learn how to counter her actions.
Jaye
I never realized how much my mother disliked me until I saw her interacting with my two children – she fawned over one and truly – truly- treated the other like some hated creature/house slave. I recognized the tone of voice and the phrases that I had learned to ive with as a child, realizing now how horrible and wrong it was.
I remember being so sad and unhappy as a child and maybe I am at risk for depression as an adult but I am so much better off now!
Of the two ‘favorite’ siblings, one died (all that fawning wasted!) and the other just turfed her out of her Florida condo, and now we don’t even know where she is. It is a sad situation but not one I’m going to spend a lot of time trying to remedy.
TOSHA
Picking Favorites Is Retarded And Very Mean And Wrong And The Sad Thing Is Most Moms Don’t Give A S..t All They Care About Is That Favorite Kid Or There Sol called baby that moms call them even in their adult years it never changes The Mom Never Changes There Like A Leech Latched On To The Kid Thats How It Was With Me Growing Up
Alexandra
I have 3 siblings,im the oldest,i have a younger sister & brother.My mom ALWAYS,I mean ALWAYS sides my sister.I know,I know,she’s only little.But she’s almost 10,goddammit.I think she knows whats wrong and right by now.I HATE how I’m always wrong even when I’m right.It doesn’t really bother me all the time but sometimes It really hurts…
Neglected
My mom definettely picks favorites. My dad trys to make so its not that noticable but you can tell. My mom likes to brag about my brothet(he is a nuclear engineer) and my sister is a mommas girl. And as i type i am once again hiding out in my room cuz they went off to do something for my sister. You are probably guessing she is the baby but she isnt me and my twin are the youngest….. My twin notices this but does not seem to care cuz she is the popular snotty girl who is gone every weekend. See this is how it works my brother who is a nuclear engineer does not live with us anymore, my older sister is a lil mommas girl and my parents favorite. Then my identical twin is always hanging with her friends…. Then their is me i am pretty but not snobby i have been asked out ny guys millions of times but i never say yes them of course they ask my twin and she says yes of course…. my twin is a popular prep who even talks behind my back at school…. i have a lotta friends cuz ppl think twins are rly cool and i am always invited to go to the preppys girl houses but i always say no cuz i have better things to do than be a bitch behind other ppls backs………………… WELCOME to my extremely screwed up life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not only mothers, but fathers as well. Victim of the Prodigal Son Syndrome in my family and it drives us crazy.