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For gay black men, coming out can feel like failure

RUTGERS (US) — Gay black men face a unique set of challenges and pressures from family and friends when they decide to come out, research shows.

“Parents and youths alike worry that gay men cannot meet the rigid expectations of exaggerated masculinity maintained by their families and communities,” says Michael C. LaSala, associate professor at Rutgers University School of Social Work.

LaSala recently completed an exploratory study of African-American gay youth and their families from urban neighborhoods in New York City and Philadelphia. The findings were published in the Journal of GLBT Family Studies and co-authored with Damien T. Frierson from Howard University. The research focused on gay black males, ages 19 to 25, and their families.

‘One more strike against you’

Gay black males struggle to cope with intersecting oppressions—racism, homophobia, and sexism, says LaSala.

They carry a “special stigma” that some straight black males may find particularly disturbing. “The world already sees you as less than others. By being gay, you’re further hurting the image of African-American men,” LaSala says was a common reaction among the male relatives of the black youth when they learned that their relative was gay.

“On a clinical level, targeted interventions, especially those that include the young man’s biological father or a father figure, can assist families to cope with what for many is an unexpected and troubling reality,” says LaSala, who works with gay youths and their families in private practice and outlines interventions for families in transition.

Child-rearing for the parents of a black son can be especially daunting, given the increased risk for poverty, HIV/AIDS and other illnesses, and imprisonment faced by African- American men.

Black parents often feel guilty when they learn their child is gay and many African-American gay youths before coming out distance themselves from their parents.

In his study, LaSala observed that many parents found that having a confidante with whom they could share emotions helped them realize that their sons’ sexual orientation was not caused by faulty parenting, and that they risked losing their child if they could not accept his being gay.

Black parents may be less likely than whites to “mourn the loss of a normal life” for their gay sons, perhaps understanding that a normal life was less of a sure thing, according to LaSala.

“I found that parents of African-American gay youth said, ‘You have everything going against you as a black man. This is one more strike against you.’ Conversely, parents of white gay youth stated, ‘You have everything going for you—and now this!'” LaSala explains.

‘It’s a masculinity thing’

Gender role concerns are a repetitive theme for young African-American men and their families. One young man in the study described the African-American community as very strict when it comes to homosexuality. “It’s a masculinity thing,” he says.

LaSala points to existing research that calls upon black men to be hypermasculine, a trait characterized by the absence of overt emotions and the appearance of vulnerability, as well as a readiness to have sex at any time.

When gay black men realize they don’t fit the stereotype, they often develop a sense of alienation, loneliness, and anxiety, not knowing where they fit in.

LaSala recalls the words of a black single mother in the study who worried about gender expectations in her community: “You are told to be a man . . . and being a man does not mean you sleep with other men,” she said. “Being a man means you have a woman and you procreate and continue the family name.”

The involvement of a young gay man’s biological father or a father figure can be crucial to relationship building. Too many family therapists and social workers accept the mother’s explanation that their son’s father “isn’t in the picture,” which is too easy a way out, according to LaSala.

“Family discussions can lead to expanded and more flexible views of masculinity, so clinicians must engage the youth’s father if at all possible,” he says. “A father is an essential part of the child’s history and can add a lot to the discussion.”

Source: Rutgers

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3 Comments

  1. Jeremy

    I was lucky: my mom took a breath and accepted me. the rest the family not so much. mister T’s very accurate as my family parrotted much of the black tax mentality

  2. Relateavity

    It’s time to celebrate our human traits: Very curly hair and BOTH book-smart/street-smart intelligence, not masculinity or traditional gender roles.

  3. John

    i’m a white male who faces those same challenges. i’d so much love to meet a black male who has or is coming out. I want to explore my sexuality with someone who shares the same fears & apprehensions. coz i now know that i’m at least. “bi-curious”, especially with or for a black guy & wont be satisfied till i do. thanks

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